I resist taking that awareness fully, daily, into attachments that I happen to be fond of. Despite "knowing better" there is often a disconnect between how I am living my life presently, and how the "ideal" in my head says I "should."
Memory is such a tricky thing, as it’s entirely based in the past. And memory is notoriously fallible. It absolutely cannot be trusted. I knew a woman who often complained about how her sister’s memories of the past were so wrong. She believed in her version of the past so solidly, that she couldn’t conceive of the slightest possibility that she may be wrong. But there is no wrong or right, only different psychological filters interpreting the same events as they happened.
Every time we remember something we also remember it slightly different. Simply based off the fact that we’re viewing that memory in the light of whatever mood and circumstances happen to be going on at the particular moment the memory pops up or is consciously resurrected. But these two sisters, these two wonderful human beings spent time arguing about the details of events that happened thirty-forty years ago.
So I have the memory of moments of insight, but as soon as I left that state of still openness, I start re-forging the chains of conditioning. I start building an ideal of how I "should" be, and leave the state of Love that includes how I am, not how I think I should be. For the ideal to be supported, it requires a denial, or a tucking below consciousness those areas of my humanness that do not fit into the thought construct of "perfection."
This can be a very dangerous road. Every cult leader who is ignorant enough to try and place themselves between us and the… divine- lets call it this time- started off where we all start off, a little seed that grew into a big oak tree of misery. It is every Beings birthright to experience the deepest nature of reality for themselves. And any one, or any organization, that places themselves as a required intermediary between you and the divine is, in this beings view, nothing but a giant road-block. But a road block that some need to experience.
So, why do I resist? Why would I rather cling to this illusion of bigness, which is smallness, than let go and experience the reality of bigness. The unknown is terrifying isn’t it? My misery and smallness is "comfortable", because it is "known." And the fact of the matter is I still cling to the known, I still resist meditation because this part of me is very afraid of dying. Of course the psychological dying will be a re-birth into the great wonder, but "I" don’t know that.
What is one to do? Be gentle. Be soft. Be kind. Be forgiving. Start slow, and stay slow. No hurry. No rush. Nothing to hide from myself. Just Now. Just me. As I am.