This may seem confusing, but psychologically we become addicts, so we are addicts. We’ve enslaved ourselves inside a lie. Thought is so focused on the acquisition of an emotional and physical experience, to the exclusion of all else, that we create a state of misery, a living hell- right here on Earth. And it all exists in our mind. Who needs the devil, when we have ourselves?
Ultimately speaking we are… well, simply put… Love. Just another way to say- an interconnected spiritual Being having a human experience- suffering from addiction. But that means nothing, if it doesn’t mean anything to you.
So, in the beginning stages it’s very good, noble and wise to be able to say, to admit to ourselves, "Yes, I am an addict." But to avoid unnecessary suffering we can’t stay there for long. Some stay in that state for the rest of their lives, white knuckling it through every day. There so busy trying not to think about the drinking or the crack or the sex or the food or whatever billion other things it might be that they end up thinking about it all the time. Trying not to do something is very relative to the old habit of trying to do that same thing; we’re still ruminating about the object of our desire all day, every day. The support group often has its twenty or so year veteran of sobriety who seems more miserable than any drunk could ever be. Why, because thinking about yourself all day long brings misery. Why, because we don’t exist in isolation to the rest of the Universe or it’s inhabitants. We forget about the rest of life and become enclosed into this nutshell of self. "Selfishness leads to suffering, selflessness leads to happiness." This is the anthem of the Worlds religions, despite these religions developing in other parts of the Earth at different time throughout history, they’ve all preached this same fundamental message.
It’s not dogma, but a living, observable truth. You don’t need to believe anything other than your eyes and ears to see the actuality of this truth manifesting in those who are thoughtful, kind, and caring towards others.
To go beyond seeing yourself as an addict requires that we see the power in our powerlessness, which is a state of surrender to the fact, that we really want to go fulfill a particular desire, be it as serious as meth, or as seemingly benign as television. The power in that surrender is realizing through trial, error and patience, that we do not have to act on desire, any desire. That the state of Love experienced through surrender, where you become aware that the Universe itself is holding you in it’s arms, and you are not separate from it, is more powerful than any thought, or desire could ever be
This is an entirely new way of experiencing life. And it is, for most suffering from addiction, an entirely foreign relationship- yet more familiar than their very reflection. It is nothing short of re-wiring our brain through integrating the realizations and relinquishing the unhealthy thought patterns while replacing them with healthier ones. The healthy reflects the Universal truth that I am Loved, valued, and worthy of happiness. The unhealthy thinking reflects the lies, which for various reasons we’ve incorporated into our view of self- and the world around us.
We became groveling, desperate addicts because we don’t understand who and what we are. We don’t understand our relationship with the Universe as a whole. If we did, no matter how hard or brutal our life experiences may have been, we would have known how to deal with them in appropriate ways, in ways which don’t lead to a storehouse of bottled anguish. A hurt that hurts so much we turn to anything for a moment of seeming peace.
Peace… isn’t this what we’re all after, what we sought and seek in the bottle and the prostitute? Peace from the tormentor of self we have become. As long as we identify as an addict, we can’t yet live in that peace. Realizing our addict state, is a step on the road to true recovery, but it’s just the beginning, true recovery is a lifetime activity, which can only take place in this present moment. Right now.
To live in this peace we must make peace with our addiction. This may seem like a tall order for those of us who’ve used hating our addiction and our object of desire as a tool to free ourselves from the densest, most life threatening form of the addiction, as I did. We’re no longer stealing money from our friends and family to feed a habit. This is a good thing. We’ve used the tool available to us to get to a place where we can now try to understand why we are, the way we are. To connect the dots in our life as to why we became addicted. And to connect the dots in the lives of those who hurt us, so we can understand why they acted the way they did and do. This is how we heal, through understanding and compassion.
To make an enemy of your habit may work for a time, but as soon as you find yourself in it’s presence you’ll be nose deep in it yet again and have days of feeling guilty to look forward to. Making peace with the addiction means that even if it pops up, you can smile to that part of you that still says "oh yummy" without being pulled into a battle- "Oh no! Not this again! This shouldn’t be here, this shouldn’t be happening, I shouldn’t be wanting this!" It means accepting the fact that there will be moments of lapse where you are nose deep in it, and addressing the guilt that arises afterwards.
Guilt is just another form of that same unhealthiness which brought us years of stumbling in place. Inevitably there will be a sting, a prick of conscience when we engage in actions that are misaligned with our true nature. To allow the sting, to face the sting aware of all the thoughts and feelings which are trying to take over and bring guilt and shame in their wake, is another step toward freedom. If those negative self-abusive thoughts are there, they’re there. To deny them is to be engaging again in the unhealthy. To accept them, to look into them, to open your heart and have compassion for yourself, is to take another step towards happiness. Every moment is a step, a choice- do I want to continue the old patterns that led to misery, or do I want to consciously take a step toward and of PEACE? This is the question we must ask ourselves a hundred times a day.
If we can take that part of ourselves, that bleeding and beaten part which so badly wants to hide again in what it still wants to believe is the escape, though it truly never was and hasn’t felt like one for ages. If we can take this beautiful part of ourselves and find the Love that IS available, and extend it to whatever is present in our minds and hearts- Those feelings of wanting to use, the memories which make us cringe and shudder, the present state of our lives, and the world in which we all live. Then we can experience peace, instead of conflict, Love instead of hate, and happiness instead of suffering.
We’ve tried the battles and the wars, the denials and the blaming, and we’ve become the living fruits of that path, society has become the living fruit of that path – misery. To deny, or hate any part of your life, past or present, is to swallow hot coals. So mustn’t we stop punishing ourselves by swallowing pain and screaming why oh why am I suffering- if it’s Peace were interested in?
Do you understand how blessed you are to be recovering from addiction? Do you understand how blessed you are that a kind and Loving Universe lets you suffer the effects of your causes that you might be here now… AWAKENING?
This is the miracle of miracles- The grace of Love.